Stop your whining, you little Brat!

Sadly, some parents do talk to their kids like that. Even more sad, is the proliferation of books to teach the parents NOT to talk to their kids like that. Very sad, indeed. That language is a good sign that something is not right in your heart. How then, do you handle a child that whines?

Well, let me start by saying I have over 11 years of work with kids. Very few, if any, ever whine to me. Those that do, tend to only do it once. Why is that? I will tell you later, but first, here is what the experts say:

Starting with James Dobson (I must say that as a Christian, I do NOT like or support the majority of his work). On July 20, 2005, his ‘James Dobson Family Minute’ was talking about how to stop your child’s whining. It struck me when I heard it because it was similar to the ‘advice’ given by some other books I was reading at the time. I disagreed with the books and then also with Dobson. His advice for when your child whines:

I can’t hear you; you are talking with a whiny voice. My ears are funny and I can’t hear a whiny voice.

He explains that once you hear the normal voice, you say ‘OK, now I can hear you’.

To examine this, the Bible is very clear about lying. 2 Peter 2:1 states:

Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.

This includes little white lies and those such instances which you are USING THE LIE TO CHANGE THE BEHAVIOR OF YOUR CHILD! This is a form of manipulation.

I thought it funny that Dobson also stated in that same message that any behavior learned by reinforcement will be retained. What happens when your child takes after you and starts to use ‘little white lies’ to change YOUR behavior. I think you see that you may have bitten off more than you can chew.

Other suggestions in the field are such things as leave a note for your child, even if he can’t read. Such will result in him running to you to ask what it says which point you can ‘non- threateningly’ tell him ‘oh, it says mommy and daddy don’t like to hear a whiny voice’. I think there are a few other methods as well, but my books on the topic are still packed away. I’ll post more later as I see it.

What works:

I mentioned earlier that I have never had many kids whine to me. How do I accomplish this? I simply understand a few points:

1. Kids need attention

2. Kids are fallen creatures and prone to the same sins that we are

3. Kids are made in the image of God and need to be treated with total respect

Method:

1. LISTEN TO THEM. They are whining because they feel hurt, alone, or scared.

2. Help with any immediate need. They may just want to be held, they may need to understand a brother or sister just yelled at them (which needs dealt with), they may need to know that you are indeed thinking of them, they may need to be told politely and with love to go and play for a little while.

Considerations:

1. YOU are the parent; the child has one and only one command from God: Obedience! This means that you don’t bow down to his every need, but you are polite and considerate of his feelings, especially because a child’s feelings can be hurt a lot easier than an adults.

2. You must learn the balance between your child’s needs and desires. You need to help to meet the needs, but not necessarily the desires. Use the desires as first point disciplinary devices, NEVER the needs.

3. Don't try to do more for your child then you need to. It can be damaging doing everything for him, particularly if he can do it for himself; however, doing such things occationally is not a bad thing, especailly if he has a lot od stess and might need help with things from time to time.

I have found all these points critical. The child will honestly stop whining if you treat him like a person.